


Cascades and Memories of Her

by teamcap4bucky



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Developing Friendships, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 02:56:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16966380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamcap4bucky/pseuds/teamcap4bucky
Summary: Saying goodbye to someone that you barely know is hard, especially knowing the next time they say hello, they might barely know you.





	Cascades and Memories of Her

The rays of the sun warm every inch of your skin as you weave your way through the brush. Making your way out towards the waterfall, you can’t help but marvel at the sights of the serene space surrounding you. The vast mixture of greens and the smell of fresh air mixed with the sounds of the waterfall make you seriously wonder why it is you don’t visit here more often. As you approach the top of the cliff, working your way through the mist, you try your best not to slide on the slippery boulders beneath your feet.

The waterfall is a wonder in itself, but is nothing compared to the the beauty of Bast standing tall in front of you. Her presence takes your breath away every time.

“James?”

He turns to you almost a second before you call his name. Of course he knew you were there. His senses were just as good as Steve’s.

“Um...I know you probably want to be alone right now...but um...I just...well, before you went back under...um.” You sigh as you try to gather your thoughts. “I wanted to say thank you.” You nervously bite your lip as you await his response.

“For what?” 

“Please don’t be mad, but...Steve told me everything. I know what you did last summer.” 

He tries his best to act like he’s confused, but you know he’s lying. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Steve said you were the only one around when the building collapsed in on me during the attack.”

You see him focus in on the water below, the crease in between his brows tighten. Stressed as his mind starts to recall the events of that day.

“You pulled me out of the rubble and carried me all the way to the jet. He said I’d be dead if it wasn’t for you.”

He lets out a small chuckle of disbelief, and you unsure as to why that’s funny.

“Never heard that one before. People usually die because of me.” He mumbles almost to himself. 

“First time for everything I guess.” He looks away after you shrug your shoulders. 

It’s such an awkward silence afterwards, yet you felt oddly comfortable being there in the tranquility with him.

“Well, anyway. Thank you...again...and I hope every…”

“Why did you go in there?” He interrupts without looking back.

“What do you...”

“The base. What would possess you to go back in there? Steve specifically told you not to, but you disobeyed his orders. Do you ever follow the rules?”

“Only when I like them.”

“That’s a dumb way to live, and a good way to die.”

“Says the guy that was in the same area as I was. Want to tell me why you were there?”

“Nope.”

“Okay then. How about we both the agree we make a fine pot and kettle then?”

He throws a stone over the ledge and watches as it bounces off every nook and cranny in the rocks below.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you…”

“I followed you.”

“What?”

“I followed you. I heard you arguing with Steve about the drive. I heard him tell you not to go. He told me to make sure you left, but you never did.” He finally looks up with an bothered expression. 

I guess now was as good of a time as ever for you to come clean about the whole situation, only he didn’t allow you to.

“When I heard the explosion…” He picks up another rock chucking it across the way somewhat angrily. “Why would you go back in? What were you thinking?”

“There was something I needed to get. It was important.”

“Important enough to die for?” His voice seems more annoyed now, his tone harsh.

“I thought so.”

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe you were more important to them than that information was?”

He assumed your answer was no as you had nothing but silence for a response.

“What would have happened if I couldn’t have pulled that debris off of you? You would have died! Did you ever think about that?” He stands up somewhat quickly, turning to you with a somewhat irate face. “Did you ever stop and think about what they would have gone through if they lost you?”

His sudden outrage towards you makes your shoulders sink towards the ground. You flinch as he throws his hands into his hair, grabbing it in frustration at the back of his neck.

“Fuck!” He drops his head back and stares at the sky, seemingly trying to calm himself down from his fit of rage. “Why would you go back in there?” He says in a soft tone..

You could barely hear your voice when you finally spoke.

“After I grabbed the initial drive, I was on my way back to the jet, just like Steve ordered. That’s when I heard them. They were speaking in Russian, yelling back and forth over the radio. Talking about ‘the soldier.’ They knew you were there, and there was a new order to capture...alive only. They were talking about your file and how they needed a book of some kind to control you...words or something. I followed them until I saw what they were talking about. I watched them search through the pages until they had found what they needed.” 

His face is a mixture of shock and fear.

“I heard them yell out a location. They knew where you were, and they had whatever it was that they needed to take you.”

He watches as you reach down into a small black bag hung from your shoulders. Staring as you slowly open it, reaching inside. His chest rises rapidly as you produce a small maroon leather bound book with a black star on the cover. He recognizes it immediately, and you know he’s scared as he takes a slow step backwards.

“I...I couldn’t let them do that to you again.”

You step forward cautiously handing him the journal. He takes it from you, his nostrils flaring, hands trembling as he holds it.

“How? Why?” He whispers out to you.

“I knew Steve would never leave me behind. I hid the book on me and took a chance. After the explosion...I knew someone would come for me. Dead or alive they would find the book on me. You’d be safe…at least for a little longer. I figured...maybe it would help Shuri, not that she needs the help.”

He nods his head in understanding while he holds it.

“I don’t know you that well James, but I…”

He lifts his eyes off of the book to meet your gaze. He looks irritated, as if he already knows what you’re about to say. He knows he’s about to get some sort of lecture, and he’s not interested. Little did he know, you weren’t about to put up with his attitude.

“You know, you are not as bad as people think you are!” You finally blurt out.

“No, I’m much worse.”

“No...I think that’s what you want people to believe. I think that’s what they had you believe. It was easier for them that way...and you in the end. It’s much easier for you to walk away when you convince yourself you’re worthless and no good for anyone.”

You both know you’re right. He turns around and stares off into the mist. You give him a second to collect his thoughts, but he offers nothing in return. He just sits back down, feet dangling over the edge. You reach down into your bag again and take out his file. You place it on the ground behind him, turning to leave once more. You barely walk five steps before he stops you. 

“You’re the only reason I’m going back under.” It was so quiet that you could barely hear it over the sound of the falls.

“I don’t...what do you…”

“You and Steve. You’re why I’m going back under.” He nervously scratches the back of his neck, staring back down at the rocks. “After that day…with Zemo…”

He shakes his head gently, struggling to come up with the right words. You wouldn’t rush his thoughts. You were more than happy to wait.

“I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?” You ask, confusion on your face.

“Interact with people. I don’t know how to…” He huffs out a breath, then pinches his lips tightly. “I’m programmed to threaten, to hurt...to kill. But I don’t want to be that person anymore.” 

He closes his eyes and shakes his head like he’s trying to erase all of the horrible memories of his past. 

“You’re the only one who doesn’t treat me like I’m broken. Like a waste. I didn’t want to hurt you again, so I came here.”

You open your mouth to respond but you’re cut off almost immediately.

“Don’t! Don’t say it wasn’t my fault, please. I’ve heard it enough already. I’m so goddamn sick of it.”

You drop your bag again, walking slowly to the edge. You carefully sit down next to him, hanging your feet over the rock wall. You pick up a small pebble and throw it, watching it fall into the crevice. He smirks ever so slightly when he notices your hands gripping the edge tightly as you look over the cliff. You both sit in silence for a moment, enjoying the beauty and nature around you.

“Is Steve mad?” He asks, still looking over at the beautiful vision that is Bast across the way.

“No. He’s not mad. Scared? Yes.”

“Yeah...me too.” 

“I think...I think he’s just sad…you know? He understands why...he knows it’s what you want. But he hates it though because...you know…” He watches as you casually shrug like what you were feeling wasn’t a big deal.

“Because...?” He questions.

“Cause we just got…” You stop when you realize what you had said, carefully backtracking a bit. “Because he just got you back.”

“This is...it’s better for everyone...safer. I knew this would happen. Everything HYDRA put inside me is still there. If they find me again...all they have to do is say the goddamn words. I can’t risk it. I can’t risk hurting you two. He’s all I have left. You’re…”

You both look up at each other with an understanding of what you both wanted to say, aware of what you both needed to hear. 

“Are you nervous?” You ask to which he huffs a small breath to.

“No. It’s not my first time going under.” 

“What’s it like?” You curiously ask. He takes a moment to think about how it feels.

“It’s quiet at first, I guess. Just muffled sounds from the outside, or the sound of my heart beating. Then...it gets cold. It spreads over me like a breeze. I start to get really tired. The humming of the machine is all that I can hear before I...before I fall asleep. After that, I’m not really sure what I feel until I start to wake up.”

He picks up another rock twisting it in his fingers, lost in his own mind.

“Then it’s a rush of thoughts and memories. Confusion...fear. It’s gets a little hectic after that.”

“Do you remember what happened the last time you went under?”

“Not at first. There is so much to sort through all at once. It’s hard to for me to put it in order. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s real or just a dream. I start to question everything which gets me in trouble.” 

“But you always remember Steve?”

“Everytime. I don’t know how he always makes it through...but he does. He’s always one of the first ones to come back to me. I guess because there’s so much history. We were so close back then.”

You smile as you think about what they must have been like as kids together. When you look over, you notice an expression that you can’t quite place on him.

“What are your thinking about?” You question.

“I’ve...I’ve never told anyone about my memories before, or what happens in the chamber. No one’s ever asked about it. They just go right to beating me up or attempting to put me in prison.” he says as he shrugs a shoulder and softly smiles.

He attempts to make the mood light, but it just makes you feel more awful in the end.

“Oh god...I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to pry...I”  
“No...no you’re...you’re not. I…” 

You both attempt to speak over one another making the situation even more uncomfortable. To your surprise and somewhat relief, you get interrupted by a voice you know well.

“Sergeant Barnes.”

You turn around to see Shuri with a welcoming grin accompanied by Ayo. 

“Bucky.” He says somewhat firmly, respectfully as she nods in acceptance of his request.

“Are you ready?” She asks.

He nods back. As they both look back at you, they can’t help but notice how nervous and stressed that you have become. He looks back to Shuri, asking for her patience.

“I’ll give you a minute.”

You hold your breath as he looks back tilting his head to the side, trying to read your thoughts. When you do nothing but stare back at him, he assumes that there is nothing more to say, and he begins to take his leave.

“I guess I should…”

“I’m not ready.” It comes out so much more frantic than you meant it to, but you couldn’t hold it in anymore.

He opens his mouth to speak only you don’t give him the chance.

“I’m not ready. And I know how stupid that sounds because I just met you. You don't even know me, and I barely know you. I just know that…I don’t want you to go back in there. Not yet.”

You stand there fighting back the tears threatening to fall from your eyes. He stares back at you, gritting his teeth, fighting back the need to open up as well. Instead he swallows it back down. It wouldn’t be fair to leave you with hope, knowing not of what his future holds.

“Come on.” He asks you to follow him as he heads back down the path.

Walking into the lab, you’re overcome with anxiety when you see the chamber standing tall in the middle of the room. Steve is already nervously waiting, speaking with T'Challa. 

You begin to shrink behind Bucky when Steve looks over to you. 

Shuri motions for him to climb onto the examination table. She begins to hook up machines, taking blood, preparing him for sleep. He’s in all white, and it’s the first time since you’ve met him that he has seemed so innocent. So light and pure. He seemed relaxed, at peace with his decision to go back under. He would be in a place where he couldn’t hurt anyone anymore, and he had accepted that. Yet, it seemed so hard for you guys to the same.

Steve approaches the table quietly and you shyly follow behind him.

“You sure about this?”

“I can’t trust my own mind. So until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head, I think going under is the best thing. For everybody.” He offers Steve a simple smile. 

“Sergeant Bar...….Bucky. We are ready.” 

“That’s my ride.” He jokes.

“Really?” Steve responds by shaking his head.

Shuri steps to the side as he walks from the bed, stepping into the chamber.

You take a shaky breath while hiding behind Steve, fighting back tears. You put on a brave face for him, but Steve knows you’re as scared as he is. You grip onto his jacket to steady you both as Bucky climbs in and lies back.

“I’d ask you two to watch out for each other, but you’re both just as reckless as the other one.”

You both drop your mouth, looking to each other feigning shock as you pretend to have no idea what he could possibly mean but that statement. You and Steve were the pinnacle of good behavior. When you both shrug and nod in agreement though, he can’t help but sigh in disappointment.

“Mmmm. That’s what I thought.” He mumbles.

Shuri stands next to him checking over his vitals carefully. 

“Bucky, I'm going to use bio-scanners to create a digital representation of your brain. Your programming is connected to certain trigger words. I’m going to use an algorithm to reset everything. It should destroy what Hydra put in, while keeping the rest of your memories safe. Basically, I’m going to take away all of the bad things, but do my best to leave all the good.”

He looks up at you and Steve with a shy smile. 

“Does that include all of the bad things that idiot used to do when we were younger? Cause honestly, I think I lost like at least ten years of my life taking care of him when we were kids.”

“Nice, Buck.” Steve scoffs. 

You let a small huff and smile. 

“What do you mean? He always told us that you were the trouble maker? Right, Steve?” You playfully tease.

“If only they knew…” Bucky raises an eyebrow as Steve looks over his shoulder at you.

“You taking his side already?” Steve questions, attempting to be stern with you.

“Yup.”

Shuri grins at Bucky, signaling the process can begin. 

He and Steve share a glance, saying a thousand words without speaking. He motions for Steve to approach. 

Before she closes it she steps back to let the boys say goodbye, or hopefully, a see you later.

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.” 

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

Bucky shakes his head, well aware that the last time they had this conversation, Steve came back as a whole new person jacked up with serum, fighting aliens, and has been getting into trouble ever since.

“You’re a punk.” 

“Jerk.”

They hug each other one last time before Steve backs up. Bucky looks up at you one last time, but you’re to focused on the floor to notice. 

“Hey…” He calms out to you softly. 

You lift your head slowly, praying he can’t see your wet eyes. 

“You gonna be here when I wake up?”

Your breath shutters in your chest. 

“First flight back.” You say, swallowing back tears. 

You both step back to make room for the team beginning to surround the equipment.

As Shuri presses the control buttons in the panel next to him, you start to feel as if your lungs are collapsing. 

Bucky gives a small look of hope to both you and Steve, which makes you almost break.

Shuri quietly begins to speak to him, both you and Steve unaware of what she is saying as she places the strap against his chest. 

He stares up at her and lets her know he understands.

Just before she starts the procedure, he looks back at you both one more time before turning her way with almost pleading eyes. 

“I need to remember her.”


End file.
